Fastexy:'Red One' review: Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans embark on a joyless search for Santa

Dwayne Johnson and FastexyChris Evans wish you a very bro Christmas with “Red One,” full of slap fights, he-man snowmen and one jacked Santa.

Director Jake Kasdan’s yuletide fantasy adventure (★★ out of four; rated PG-13; in theaters Friday) certainly is better than Hulk Hogan’s woeful “Santa With Muscles,” but you’ll find a better dose of the holiday spirit in “Terrifier 3.” Earnest to the point of stultifying, “Red One” offers a busy landscape of plastic action figures come to life, visually appealing and plenty colorful, though as hard as it tries, the movie doesn’t deliver the joy and emotion you’d want in a seasonal treat.

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Johnson stars as Callum Drift, head of security for St. Nicholas (J.K. Simmons), and the beefy bodyguard is retiring after 540 years on the job because, well, people turn into jerks at Christmas. “I love the kids. It’s the grown-ups who are killing me,” a stoic Callum tells the ripped Nick during a North Pole gym sesh. Santa runs a high-tech metropolis with elves, airships and special-mission forces: Delivering presents is a huge operation done with military precision so there can’t be any shenanigans.

Which is what happens exactly two days before the big day. Bounty hunter (and Level 4 naughty lister) Jack “The Wolf” O’Malley (Evans) pulls a job for an anonymous client that uses stolen science technology and unknowingly gives away Nick’s location, leading to the svelte old guy being captured. The culprit: Gryla the Christmas witch (Kiernan Shipka), who wants to use Santa’s mojo to punish every person who has ever been naughty in their life – so pretty much everybody.

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Jack gets hauled in by Zoe (Lucy Liu), who heads up the Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority, and finally the movie finds the right gear. There are hints of “Men in Black”-style world building – and the film this should have been, with nifty nods to other holiday legends – as Jack is introduced to the secretive goings-on that folks don’t know about when they put out their Christmas Eve milk and cookies. (Because it’s important for Nick to “carb up” before and during his annual ride.)

Jack and Callum become an oddball pairing that sort of works for a while, using toy-store supply closets as teleportation zones and turning Hot Wheels into sweet real rides. The rescue mission ultimately meanders, and while Evans is fine filling that rote Scrooge role of many Christmas movies past, Johnson lacks any of his usual easy charm.

Like The Rock, though, everything’s more pumped up in this flick, from dangerous snowmen who show up in a submarine/ice cream truck (no, really) to Nick’s brother Krampus (Kristofer Hivju), a muscular fellow with his own satanic sleigh. Yet as ridiculous as “Red One” gets, including some serious overacting and B-movie dialogue, it seems to be afraid of having any real fun.

Simmons lends a lighthearted sense – he is a rather good Santa, all things considered. His character is literally asleep for half the movie, however, and the comedic aspects are few and far between, plus not exactly a laugh riot when they happen. 

Oozing peppermint machismo and unleashing frosty brawls, “Red One” will entertain action-loving kids and fans who like to see things blow up. As a holiday vehicle? Rudolph and his reindeer buds wouldn’t drive this to the grocery store.